A New Little Britain Episode
by LittleBritainFanatic
Summary: A collection of sketches featuring the characters from this brilliant sketch show.


Lou and Andy - Doctor

_(A doctor, carrying a black bag, walks along the pavement outside Andy's house. He spots a man having a heart attack, but taps his watch, smiling apologetically, and walks past. The man falls to the ground, unconscious, and is immediately mugged.)_

Narrator:_ In the small northern town of Herby, the doctor has been called out to see an unwell Andy Pipkin. I've always wanted to be a doctor, but I don't have a stethoscope._

_(The doctor walks up to the front door, and knocks.)_

(Lou _opens the door. He has a very red, runny nose, dak bags under his eyes, pale skin, and is shivering badly. He is holding a scrunched up tissue in his hand.)_

Lou: (Hoarse voice) Hello, Doctor, thanks for coming. (Coughs loudly and very chestily.)

Doctor: I came as quickly as I could. (Holds out hand) You must be Mr Pipkin.

Lou: Oh no, I'm Lou Todd- Andy's in bed. Come in, Doctor.

(Lou _leads the doctor into the house and shuts door)_

Andy's bedroom

_(Andy has the TV, the fridge and countless packets of food in his bedroom. Andy is kneeling in front of the TV re winding his tape, wearing his pyjamas. He looks perfectly healthy)_

_(The door handle turns, Andy dived back into bed just as the door begins to open.)_

Lou:(_Off screen) _ ...and I was worried because he didn't want to get up at all, and it is flu season after all, so I wanted to get him checked out. (Sneezes violently)

Doctor: (_Off screen)_ Yes, it's good to take precautions.

(Lou _and_ doctor_ enter the room_. Lou's_ nose is running down to his top lip.)_

Lou: (Wipes nose) How're you feelin' Andy?

Andy: I wanna watch monster trucks.

Lou: What, did the tape finish? (Coughs again)

Andy: Yeah.

Lou: Well, I'll sort that out for you. (Kneels down in front of TV) The doctor's here to see you, Andy.

_(Lou looks at the VCR to find the tape already re winding. He looks confused, but shrugs it off.)_

Andy: Who?

Lou: Doctor Roberts, your GP.

Andy: Yeah, I know.

(_The _doctor_ sits on the end of Andy's bed. Andy stairs at the TV, ignoring him.)_

Doctor: So what's wrong, Mr pipkin. (Opens his bag and takes out a thermometer, which he shoves into Andy's mouth)

Andy: (Voice muffled) I wanna watch monster trucks!

Lou: (Trying to hide irritation) In a minute Andy! (video stops re winding) Here you are.

(Lou _presses play and the video beings to play)_

_(The_ doctor_ removes thermometer and looks at it)_

Doctor: Well, you haven't got a fever, Mr Pipkin, so it can't be flu.

Andy: What?

Lou: Flu, Andy, it's a disease.

Andy: Yeah, I know.

Doctor: So, do you feel ill, Mr Pipkin?

Andy: No.

Lou: Are you sure?

Andy: Yeah.

Lou: (belches loudly) I'm sorry, I just feel a bit sick.

(_The_ doctor _nods understandingly_)

Lou: But you said that you felt like you were so unwell you were going to faint and then end up in hospital and that you had never been do ill in you whole life.

Andy: Yeah, I know.

Doctor: (impatient) So, do you feel ill?

Andy: (Firmly) No.

(Lou _retches and runs out of the room. He is heard vomiting violently in the bathroom.)_

_(The _doctor_ sighs)_

The hallway

(Lou _staggers out of the bathroom, holding his stomach. The _doctor _is stood in the hallway, arms folded._)

Doctor: You are the ill one, Mr Todd. I think your friend is having you on.

Lou: (Looks upset) Andy wouldn't do that, would be? He's my best friend. (Looks near tears at the thought)

Doctor: Now, Mr Todd, (Digs in his bag and pulls out a box of tablets) take one of these three times a day, with water. Make sure to drink a lot, and get plenty of bed rest. Good day.

_(The _doctor_ turns to leave_. Lou _grabs his arm.)_

Lou: But what about Andy? Are you _sure_ he's okay?

Doctor: (Sighs) Yes, Mr Todd, he is absolutely fine. (Firmly) Good day. (Turns to leave again) And make sure you actually follow my advice, Mr Todd!

(Lou _reluctantly lets go of his arm. The doctor walks out of the front door and shuts it behind him)_

(Lou _walks back over to Andy's open door)_

Lou: Would you like some jelly, Andy? My mum always made it when I (coughs violently) was poorly.

Andy: Yeah.

Lou: What flavour would you like?

Andy: Lemon.

Lou: But I thought you said lemon jelly had a bitter edge to it and left a nasty after taste in your mouth.

Andy: Yeah, I know.

Lou: So what do you want?

Andy: Lemon.

Lou: Are you _sure?_

Andy: (Firmly) Yeah.

Lou: (retching again) Okay, then, you can have lemon. (Dashes back into the bathroom)

Andy's bedroom - five hours later

(Andy_ is still in his bed, watching monster trucks on the TV)_

Andy: (chanting) monster trucks, monster trucks, monster trucks...

(Lou _enters, carrying a bowl of jelly. He looks even worse than earlier, and is losing his voice)_

Lou; (croaky) Here you go. (Puts the bowl down on Andy's lap) I made it from scratch - it was a right kerfuffle.

(Lou _sits on the edge of Andy's bed, smiling sweetly at him_.)

Andy: I don't like lemon.

(Lou _grabs the bowl and tries to throw it on the ground in irritation, but is too weak, and drops it on his foot instead. He screams in pain, but Andy doesn't even look at him, his eyes still fixed on the telly)_

Lou: (Under his breath) I wish I'd listened to the doctor!

(Lou _walks huffily out of the room)_

Andy: Can I have jelly?

(Lou_ is heard banging his head into the wall. Another loud thump, and he fall, unconscious, through _Andy's _doorway.)_

Andy: (oblivious) I need t'toilet.


End file.
